5 ways to address conflict at home
Many of us have been spending significantly more time inside with the same people day in and day out. This can sometimes lead to increased stress, anxiety and conflict.
Here are a few strategies you and your student can use to navigate disagreements and conflict at home.
1: Speak up
In times of stress and uncertainty when we may be experiencing a wide range of emotions, disagreements and conflict can be more likely to occur. Being proactive and addressing concerns sooner rather than later can help manage tough situations. For instance, if you are feeling frustrated with your student about their dishes in the sink, start a conversation with them early on. Don鈥檛 let it fester.
It can also be helpful to sit down with your student and other family members to create a living agreement that outlines how you would like to live together in a shared space. Brainstorming a list together gives everyone a say in the process. Research shows that people are more likely to adhere to guidelines when they help create them. Write down every suggestion before working to fine-tune the list. If you need help getting started, consider questions like:
What guidelines do we want to put in place for shared areas? (e.g. noise levels, quiet hours, cleanliness, etc.)
How can each of us create alone time when needed?
What do you need to feel respected?
What does support look like for you?
What do you need to feel safe?
How will we know when you need space/company?
2: Practice communicating
Good communication starts with good listening. Approach disagreements with your student with a sense of curiosity, utilize active listening skills and encourage them to do the same. This will help you get past surface-level disagreements and talk through the underlying issues. Too often, we focus on how we will respond rather than understanding the other person鈥檚 perspective. Part of active listening is letting the other person finish what they have to say before jumping in or responding. It鈥檚 important to check for understanding and ask clarifying questions to learn more about the other person鈥檚 perspective. For instance, you can ask:
Can you tell me more about that?
What is important to you about that?
When it is time to share your perspective, do so without assigning blame. Use 鈥淚鈥 statements to illustrate the way you feel, the times when you feel it and the reasons you feel that way. You and your student have access to download a free PDF for examples of active listening and 鈥淚鈥 statements from Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution (SCCR).
3: Understand your impact
Understand that our intentions may not always align with the impact they have on other people. This can cause people to feel hurt or resentful. If your actions, well-intentioned or not, have hurt your student, a heart-felt apology is a great starting point for moving forward. The same goes for if your student says or does something that is hurtful toward you or another family member. Remember that meaningful apologies not only recognize responsibility for the harm caused but also what actions will be taken in the future to ensure it doesn鈥檛 happen again.听
Additionally, it鈥檚 a good idea to ask if there is anything that can be done to make things right. Avoid using this time to try to explain yourself, and refrain from using statements like, 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry I made you angry, but鈥︹ Instead, empathize with the other person to help resolve the greater conflict.
4: Call for a break
It鈥檚 important to understand and recognize things that bother us. Knowing and recognizing things that make us feel upset or angry can help us take a step back before doing or saying something we don鈥檛 mean. Paying attention to the ways our body responds can let us know we may not be in the right headspace to effectively manage a conflict. Do you notice your fist or jaw clenching? Do you feel a tightness in your stomach or chest when situations get tense? It may be a good idea to cool down and take a few deep breaths before starting or continuing the conversation.
If you鈥檙e already in the middle of a disagreement, let your student know you want to have the conversation with them, but that you don鈥檛 feel you鈥檙e in the right place to have it now. This may sound something like, 鈥淚 want to have this conversation, but I鈥檓 not in the best state of mind right now. I would like to cool down to avoid saying something I don鈥檛 mean. Can we talk about this in 20 minutes?鈥 This signals to them that the conflict is important to you, but you also want to handle it effectively.
5: Reach out for support
If your student is struggling to manage conflict at home or with roommates, there are resources to help. Student Conflict and Conduct Resolution (SCCR) offers free services to help undergrad and graduate students navigate conflict. Through their programs (currently available virtually), SCCR can help students by:
Facilitating group agreements
Providing conflict coaching for individuals and small groups that focus on developing a deeper understanding of how we approach conflict and practicing skills for effective conflict management
Leading virtual group trainings for effective conflict management
Facilitating group dialogues that focus on developing community in close quarters, managing conflict and practicing holistic ways of co-existing
Mediating conflict between two or more parties
Providing additional conflict management advice and support
While these programs are designed for students, they also have a number of free pre-recorded conflict webinars online that parents can access as well.
Encourage your student to reach out to Conflict Resolution to schedule an appointment or get support by calling 303-492-5550 or emailing conflictresolution@colorado.edu.
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