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In her recently published book, Samira Mehta offers insight into a lesser-known, but nevertheless hurtful, type of racism听

It鈥檚 2016, Pennsylvania, and听, who would later become an associate professor of women and gender studies and director of the Program in Jewish Studies at the University of Colorado Boulder, is having dinner with an old friend.

He asks about her experiences during the election, as he, like many people, has become worried about the xenophobia stirred up by the Trump campaign. How鈥檚 that been for her?听

Short answer: not great.听

The daughter of a white mother from Illinois and a father from India, Mehta has twice been spat on at her local grocery store and told to 鈥済o home.鈥� (Home, by the way, is Connecticut, where Mehta was born and reared.)听

Yet although such flagrant acts of racism are scary, Mehta tells her friend, they aren鈥檛 the kind of racism that really hurts her. The kind that really hurts her, she says, is 鈥渢he racism of people who love me.鈥澨�

Now Mehta has published a book exploring this topic,听The Racism of People Who Love You: Essays on Mixed Race Belonging, which takes a first-hand look at the challenges of mixedness and encourages discussion of a kind of racism that is sometimes overlooked, under-addressed or misunderstood.听听

Usually, when we think about racism, Mehta says, we think about big historical moments. We think about the 鈥淯nite the Right鈥� rally in Charlottesville, Virginia; about Los Angeles police officers brutally attacking Rodney King; about Rosa Parks being told to give up her seat on the Montgomery, Alabama, bus; about John Lewis being beaten on the Edmund Pettis Bridge in Selma, Alabama.听

鈥淲hat鈥檚 much harder to talk about and think about are moments of racism that you encounter in relationships where you love the other person and they love you,鈥� says Mehta.听

The racism of people who love you is a subtler, more elusive form of racism, Mehta explains, and one that can be especially challenging for mixed-race individuals. Mehta herself has endured it on many occasions.

One example concerns the very friend she was having dinner with in 2016.听

Years earlier, she was flying out to visit him, she recalls, 鈥渁nd I got searched really aggressively by TSA, and it was invasive. I got pulled out of the line and had to take off clothes, and I was worried. And my friend was like, 鈥業f, by searching people who look like you, they keep everyone safe, this is just an inconvenience.鈥欌��

Another example involves Mehta鈥檚 maternal aunt. At a family get-together, Mehta was wearing Indian clothing, and so her aunt decided to ask her, 鈥淪o, are you super ethnic now?鈥澨�

Neither Mehta鈥檚 friend nor her aunt was deliberately being racist. In fact, they鈥檙e the kind of people who鈥檇 vehemently disavow racism. 鈥淭hese are people for whom being liberal, or maybe even being progressive, is really central to their identity,鈥� Mehta says.听

Yet it鈥檚 precisely this tension between who the person is and what the person says that can make the racism of people who love you so difficult to address.听

鈥淚t鈥檚 really hard to talk to people about these things, because to them they鈥檙e one-offs; to them they鈥檙e little things,鈥� says Mehta. 鈥淭hey don鈥檛 necessarily recognize what they鈥檙e saying or doing as indicative of a larger power structure.鈥澨�

Plus, Mehta says, 鈥渘obody wants to see themselves as a racist,鈥� especially when that person is someone close鈥攁n old friend, for instance, or a family member鈥攁nd especially nowadays, when charges of racism feel extremely high stakes.听听听

鈥淲e鈥檝e got a sort of one-drop rule of racism in the United States, where, if you do one racist thing, the distance between you and someone who would burn a cross on someone鈥檚 front lawn collapses. It鈥檚 the worst thing you could say to somebody,鈥� says Mehta.

This then creates a Catch-22 for those suffering from the racism of people who love them: 鈥淚f you don鈥檛 say anything, you lose the friendship because you let them go off and be racist. And if you do say something, you run the risk of losing the friendship because you just called your friend a racist.鈥�

Put bluntly, either lose the friendship or lose the friendship.听

But Mehta has a way around this dilemma, one she drew from the work of听, a feminist, activist and educator known for her work in women鈥檚 rights, reproductive justice and anti-racism, and a cofounder of听.听

Ross distinguishes between two modes of confronting racism:听.听

With calling out, Ross says, 鈥淵ou think somebody has done something wrong, you think they should be held accountable for it, and you think they should be punished for it.鈥澨�

Calling out is an opportunity to shame, says Ross. It鈥檚 done out of anger. And for that reason, she believes it is ineffective. 鈥淲ith this approach, you鈥檝e guaranteed one thing. With this blaming and shaming, you just invited [the person accused of racism] to a fight, not a conversation.鈥�

Calling in, however, is basically the same as calling out, but 鈥渄one with love,鈥� says Ross. It is not an opportunity to shame but an invitation to change. It promotes conversation, not fighting.听

It鈥檚 the difference between volubly condemning someone at the Thanksgiving table and asking them to a private chat on a walk after dinner.听

When it comes to the racism of people who love you, says Mehta, it鈥檚 calling in, not calling out, that鈥檚 the thing to do.听

And that is one thing she hopes her book helps readers do. She hopes it helps those who鈥檝e experienced racism from the people who love them, as well as those who鈥檝e committed such acts of racism, find a healthy way to discuss that racism.听

But Mehta is also quick to admit that these conversations don鈥檛 always create the desired outcome, which leads one to wonder, as her audience members often do at her book talks, when to forgive a person for his or her racism and when to cut that person off?听

鈥淗ow you make that judgment call is really individual,鈥� Mehta says. 鈥淚t depends on what's going on in your life. It depends on how much you need that person. I do not think it鈥檚 a good idea to cancel the people you love for things that they do that hurt you, but I also don鈥檛 think you should be a doormat who is willing to be hurt forever.鈥澨�

There is a balance to strike, in other words. Care should be taken.听

But, ultimately, Mehta believes in people鈥檚 ability to be and do better, as long as they鈥檙e given the chance.听

鈥淚f you cancel people, they never grow and change. But they can grow and change when you call them in and offer them love.鈥�

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