麻豆淫院

Figuring out whether to celebrate holidays, and how, is tricky for lots of interfaith families鈥攂ut thoughtful communication makes a difference

Traditionally, for Christian-Jewish families鈥攐r at least in writing about them鈥攖he month of December is referred to as a "dilemma."听This time of year about whether to celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or both, which often centers on one key question: "To tree, or not to tree?"

Of course, interfaith families negotiate these kinds of decisions all year round: Should we observe your traditions, my traditions, both, or neither? On some level, these are questions that any family鈥攂lood or chosen鈥攈as to navigate, even when they share the same religion. But December throws them into high relief for interfaith families, especially the decision of whether to put up a Christmas tree.

In my work on American religion, particularly Judaism, I have spent nearly a decade researching interfaith families鈥攁 topic which interests me, in part, because of my own experience in interfaith families.

Many people try to make decisions about how to observe holidays by drawing lines around what traditions are "religious"听vs. "cultural."听But in my interviews, many families say that it is ultimately not what they choose to celebrate, but how they talk about it, that makes everyone feel included.

More multifaith families

What "interfaith marriage"听means . At moments in American history, a marriage between a Methodist and a Presbyterian would count, although both traditions are Protestant Christian. Many religious groups have had objections to interfaith marriage, often couched in worry that growing up in a multifaith home would be confusing or damaging for children.

After the peak of Jewish immigration in the early 20th century, the rate of interfaith marriage was low for the first few decades, but rose as Jewish communities became more assimilated and 听By the 1990s, an estimated 50% of American Jews , most of whom were Christian, had been raised in Christian households, or were from secular families who celebrated Christian holidays. The Jewish community often assumed people who "married out"听were .

When Americans Jews started to marry non-Jews in increasingly large numbers in the 1970s and 1980s, there was over whether rabbis should perform their marriages. Initially, some rabbis in the Reform, Reconstructionist and Renewal movements鈥攎odern Judaism鈥檚 more liberal branches鈥攄ecided that they would be willing to, as long as those couples agreed to keep a Jewish home. That said, this was not an era of high Jewish observance, so having a Jewish home was often less about Jewish practices like lighting candles for Shabbat and more about keeping Christian elements like holidays out of the home鈥攁t least until children were old enough to go to Hebrew school.

Many people argued that a home should not combine religions. As a small minority, Jewish Americans worried that would mean a smaller Jewish community. And for some Jews, having elements of Christianity in the home could be painful, given its history of often , and because holidays like Christmas increased their own sense of being cultural outsiders. You might have people of multiple religions in that home, they argued, but a Jewish home could not include Christian holidays鈥攁nd Christmas, representing the birth of the Christian savior, seemed like the ultimate marker of Christianity.

'Culture'听vs. 'religion'

In this view, Christmas was a religious holiday and the tree was the symbol of a religious holiday, despite for many people鈥攊ncluding my own Hindu relatives. At the same time, however, many religious leaders and advice manuals argued that a Christmas tree was a cultural symbol, not a religious one, and therefore it shouldn鈥檛 matter to a Christian spouse whether or not the family put up a tree.

However, "religion"听and "culture"听are complicated, debated categories that do not mean the same thing to everyone. In the U.S., the most common definition of religion 鈥攁nd often, specifically, a form of Protestant Christianity that emphasizes beliefs over almost everything else. In this understanding, religion is mostly about what someone holds in their heart, not outward signs of that faith鈥攑articularly activities that aren鈥檛 rooted in theology, like church suppers, Easter eggs or Santa.

But "belief"听can鈥檛 capture a whole tradition, even Protestant ones, never mind . This understanding of "religion"听as something separate from "culture"听also assumes that somehow "religion"听is more important to people.

It why a Christmas tree might feel emotionally central to a cultural Christian who does not have faith, or feel terribly problematic to a Jew even if they understand that the tree is not part of theology.

Listening with care

Ultimately, perhaps, it is not actually important to use these lines between religion and culture, especially since they are much more complicated than they might appear at first glance.

In my , the families that had the happiest holidays were the families that listened well to each other and felt that everyone鈥檚 voices were heard.

For instance, one couple took the standard advice to forgo the tree, but decorated with evergreens. This solution did not really satisfy the wife, who had grown up Christian, and annoyed her Jewish husband. In the end, no one was happy.

By contrast, another couple discussed what mattered most to them. The Jewish husband explained that he felt an 鈥渁llergy鈥� to both Jesus and the Christmas tree. His Christian wife thought about it and came to the conclusion that Jesus was central to her holiday, but a tree was not. Therefore, they had a nativity scene but went without a tree鈥攊n other words, they went with the clearly religious symbol. She appreciated his willingness to let her have Christ in their home; he appreciated that she gave up the tree.

One Jewish woman said that her husband鈥檚 decorations鈥攕tockings and a tree鈥攃an make her feel like it is 鈥渁ll Christmas, all the time,鈥� especially when Hanukkah falls early and celebrations are over long before Christmas. But she appreciates that he agreed to raise their child as a Jew, to have their primary religious community be Jewish, and to attend services with her for the High Holidays and special events. It is hard for her to have a tree in their home, but she recognizes that, while her main compromise comes in December, he has altered his life year-round.

Other families settled joyfully into doing both, building family traditions out of both heritages. Still other families agreed to give up Christmas at home in favor of fun family vacations, or long visits with Christmas-celebrating relatives.

What made a difference? For these families, my research suggested that it was not what they decided, but how they decided: by listening to each other in a spirit of collaboration and generosity.

These compromises may seem especially challenging in , which people want to feel like "home."听But the basic principle holds true in other environments, as well: listening to loved ones, sharing what matters to us, honoring as much of that as possible鈥攁nd maybe learning to love what our loved ones love.

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